January 4, 2012
Dear BYU

Dear BYU,

Congratulations on stepping up your game. Not only did you discover my phony mailing address but you somehow found out where I actually live. You didn’t stop there though. Instead of sending your documents in the traditional BYU letterhead (because you probably know everything I get from BYU, I throw away…except for miniature diplomas), you outdid yourself by using some other school from Georgia’s envelopes. Impressive, really. 

But for the last time, you won’t be getting a dime unless you change the name of the Taco Bell on campus to the “Jake Welch Memorial Taco Bell - May Every Friday Be A Fiesta.”

Better luck next time,

Jake

PS - Use the Postal Service again to try and get me to donate money and I will run around your campus in the buff…again. Our dear mailmen and women have a thankless job and making them deliver such rubbish is pouring salt in the wound. Have some respect.

12:48am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZN46PyEFChQl
December 13, 2011
The Truth Behind Mini Diplomas

Today I received a piece of mail. This is not unusual. I receive on average 4 pieces of mail per week. There was a point when I first moved to Colorado that I would purposefully write my address down on mall display raffles and credit card debt surveys knowing that I would receive a litany of junk mail in return. I hold fast to the idea that mail and publicity are the same in that they have now downside. This could be debated heavily, but I digress.

The piece of mail that I received today was in a white envelope and had my named spelled correctly. This is unusual. Very few junk mailers have my real name. They only know my hipster baby name alias Jakup Welltch. Thus the correct spelling led to further investigation.

After a few dead giveaways, I knew this piece of mail was from BYU, my dear alma mater. I knew for a fact that I paid all of my parking tickets, so this had to be something new. I opened up the envelope and within was placed a laminated mini replica of my diploma.

The appearance of said mini diploma sent me into a tailspin of confusion. I already had a full sized diploma. Did BYU mistakenly tick back its clock to 1999 when all things mini were desirable (Mini Discs, Mini Coopers)? Is BYUSA behind this?

After much deliberation I came to the conclusion that there were two distinct reasons behind this mini mystery. I’m disappointed I didn’t think of them sooner.

Reason #1 – It’s pretty clear BYU sent me this mini diploma so that I could prove to people at any time and place that I did indeed, graduate from college. Why do they feel like I need this power? They must know that in the future the majority of my friends, co-workers and general acquaintances will doubt that I actually graduated from college.

I’ve only been in the real world for a few months and I have not had the experience in which someone demands proof of my higher education but I’m sure it happens all the time, right? Can’t wait for the day someone calls me out on it. I imagine the interaction going a little something like this…

Boss - “You know what Jake, this work is sub par. It’s disrespectful at best.”

Me - “I’m sorry boss. Credit analysis really isn’t my strong suit.”

Boss - “Why would you tell me that? What are you some kind of stupid?”

Me - “Not that I know of.”

Boss - “How did you get hired here? How did you get a job anywhere? Did you fake your way through college? I knew it! You’re a fraud!

Me – “Actually sir I did graduate from college. In fact, to prove it I have a laminated mini diploma here in my wallet.”

Boss – “I see. Well this is something so ridiculous that you wouldn’t even fake making one of these. You must have gone to college.”

Me – “Yes, yes I did.”

Reason 2 – As mentioned above, this laminated card is sized in such a way that it can fit into any wallet, masculine or feminine. You know what else people keep in their wallets? Money and cards that give you access to money.

This little demon card was produced so that every time I take out my credit card to make any purchase I will see my mini diploma and I will remember all of the good ole days I had at BYU. While reminiscing about blowing up pumpkins and screaming profanities at Mountain West Conference officials, I will suddenly feel the overwhelming desire to cancel my purchase of popsicles and instead donate that money to BYU.

Just in case I forget how to give money to BYU, the mini diploma has a phone number on the back that has a prerecorded message that asks about the size of my donation, starting at $300.

In conclusion, I have this mini diploma because BYU thinks I’m stupid (or they think other people think I’m stupid) and they want my money.  Well they must be stupid if they think they are getting a dime from me. Mostly because I don’t have a dime to my name, but even when I have thousands of dimes at my disposal, BYU will not be getting them.

You picked the wrong guy BYU. Best of luck with the 2012 graduates.

9:31am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZN46PyDCb1dZ
September 21, 2011
Story of My Life: Pictures, Ticket Stubs, etc. (Taken with instagram)

Story of My Life: Pictures, Ticket Stubs, etc. (Taken with instagram)

11:42pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZN46Py9oYTDc
September 17, 2011
Home away from home (Taken with instagram)

Home away from home (Taken with instagram)

9:14am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZN46Py9cwy6R
September 14, 2011
Organized. Finally. (Taken with instagram)

Organized. Finally. (Taken with instagram)

11:31pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZN46Py9XuhM4
September 12, 2011
Really Ugly Towels

A very smart person once told me that you can tell a lot about a person by the things that they spend their money on. This is actually a lie. No wise sage ever told me this; rather it’s something I say. It just sounds a lot cooler when I allude to this mystery being because somehow it makes it more valid. This is getting wildly off topic.

Like I was saying, by taking a look into someone’s shopping bag you can make some interesting conclusions about said person. This train of though began when I started to do some serious self-analysis upon my returning home from a brief excursion to Target. I thought the items I purchased were fairly non-descript but in reality they tell many stories. There are two in particular that paint a perfect picture of my life at this point in time.

The items are two of the ugliest towels anyone will ever lay eyes on. 

It’s not some strange design that make these towels hideous because they are solid colors. It just so happens that the color of these towels could be identified from space. They don’t have a overzealous pizzazz to them, rather they slowly burn holes in your retinas and then touch the nerve of your brain that makes your sick to your stomach. For this very reason they were half the price of all the other towels.

Now don’t go jumping to conclusions that the reason I bought these towels is because I am a penny pincher. While this might have been true in my younger years, I can assure I moved on from that way of life.

Exhibit A - When ordering fine cuisine from the establishments such as Taco Bell and Wendy’s, I no long order exclusively from the dollar menu.

Exhibit B - I bought a MacBook Pro instead of a HP SmartTechPowerPavillionThing.

OK, fine. I will admit that the price did have a small part to do with my purchase but wasn’t everything. These were “premium” towels and with the “ugly” discount were the same as the low grade product. I’m sure that after a few weeks, these ugly towels will do just as good a job as those normal colored towels, unless the color starts to eat away at the cotton…which might happen.

So what was my reasoning behind me buying the towels? In short, I’m single. 

Usually when people buy towels there are a few motivations behind their decisions. More often than not people will buy towels that go with the theme colors of their bathroom. Those who fall into this category are married people, females of all types and guys who are trying to show girls that frequent their house that they are capable of buying the right color of towels. Those who are on the outside of this group, single guys, usually buy the first towel they see, or the one that is the same color as their favorite football team.

I bucked the single guy trend because I asked the question, “Is there anyone else besides me that is going to see this towel?” Maybe my roommates might see them but only for the 1.5 seconds that it takes me to get from the bathroom to my room.

Besides that I couldn’t think of anyone. I’m not in a marriage relationship where the other party can criticize me on my inability coordinate colors. I’m also not at a point where I’m worried that a potential love interest might judge my horrible sense of style. I’m just a single guy that is trying to be smart about his purchases. My only motivation is the fact that I want my calves to be dry when I put on my pants.

So what if I buy ugly towels? Is it a crime? Will this haunt me for the rest of my life?

When you see them for yourself you can let me know what you think.

11:21pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZN46Py9TNNOj
(Notes: 11)
  
Filed under: barry goldwater, towels ducks the part of my ear that hurts when i wear my iPod headphones for too long a large tree 7 tea party flip flops san jose state football 
May 9, 2011
Thirty Day Blog Challenge: Five Ways to Win My Heart

I recently read the blog post of my dear friend Sorah and saw that she was doing a thirty day blog challenge. I decided that I needed something to inspire my blog writing so I have accepted said challenge. A lot of these topics I’m sure were intended for women (ie deeply emotional inquiries having to do with self image, clothing and dark chocolate) but I’ll try to make them as interesting as possible. 

#1-Five Ways to Win My Heart

1) Taco Bell- This is more than just allowing me to having Taco Bell but a woman who enjoys Taco Bell is good in my book. Nothing says I am low maintenance and festive like a girl who likes to make the occasional (or regular) run for the border. 

2) Be mature- I can’t stand girls that take themselves way too seriously but simultaneously act like they are 13 years old. For example if a girl ever says anything along the lines of… “Jessica tried to apologize for borrowing my favorite pair of skinnies on the day I was totally going to wear them for our date but I’m still ignoring her. That’s like so mean of her…RIGHT?!?!?” she couldn’t be less attractive.

3) Have direction- Kind of going along the lines of #2, females that have goals and ambitions are infinitely more attractive than girls that have graduated from college but don’t want to pursue a real job because that would halt all progress in their quest for marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I want to get married but trust me when I say its OK to think about something other than finding your eternal mate.

4) Don’t be afraid to call me out of my crap- 37% of what I say is dangerously inaccurate or absurd. I need someone who is going to provide me with an adequate amount of checks and balances in conversation. Another example. I was once at a social gathering and had the following coversation with a girl.

Girl-“So what are you majoring in?”

Me-“self-discovery.”

Girl-“Huh, interesting. What kind of classes are you taking?”

Me-“Oh you know just a lot of meditation, hiking and bowling.”

Girl-“Sounds like a fun major. I’m an elementary education major.”

I’m 100% positive that she had no idea that I was lying. Maybe I should change this one to “Don’t be unintelligent” or “Know when I am being sarcastic.”

5) Enjoy baseball games- I understand that baseball isn’t for everyone. I’m not looking for a fanatic, just someone who enjoys going to games with me. She also has to understand that as soon as I retire that I’m going to drop a few hundred…ok probably more like a few thousand dollars on season tickets. 

4:14pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZN46Py4_OocT
March 5, 2011
The Day I Realized That I Was Special

For some reason I find myself thinking back to the time when I realized that I probably wasn’t a normal kid. This wasn’t a, “I am bound to do something great in my life,” kind of realization (don’t worry, I have those on a daily basis) but this was more like a, “Maybe I’m one of those special kids” realization.

I was a third grader. At this point in my life I was spending an average of 20.4 minutes per day in the bathroom because I started to make the realization that if you were the bathroom you didn’t have to be in class. This discovery was motivated by my semi-rational hatred of my 3rd grade teacher Mrs. Erickson. She always forced me to write in cursive and insisted that it was a great opportunity to do so. So in order to avoid writing in cursive, I would kick it in the boy’s bathroom.

As a side note, it should also be known that at this point in my life I was slightly addicted to minor acts of mischief. I think it started when I saw an episode of The Wonder Years when Kevin and Paul go with a bunch of kids to TP someone’s house. After that I started to plan out how I would accomplish my own act of deviancy.

One day in particular I remember sitting on the toilet, examining the toilet paper dispenser. The next time you go into a public restroom look at one of these things. What you will find surprises me to this day. 93% of public restrooms have toilet paper dispensers that have locks on them. I guess at some point in human history there was a shortage of TP and people started stealing it from restrooms, manufacturers made sure that every dispenser was equipped for such attacks.

Anyways, while I was sitting on said toilet looking at this toilet paper dispenser I realized that the lock system of this dispenser could be picked quite easily. I unlocked it and then locked it a few times just make sure that it wasn’t a fluke and that I was becoming a lock picking genius. After confirming my ability to unlock the dispenser I started to think about how I could use this newfound power to my benefit. What came next was most evil genius plan ever concocted by a 3rd grader.

The plan was as follows. Every day I would sneak off to the bathroom and use my pro lock picking skills to steal a roll of toilet paper. I would only steal one roll at a time because if I took all four then the janitors would be overly suspicious. I would take the roll of toilet paper home with me and I would do this until I had 200 rolls because at that point I would have enough paper to pull off a serious act of mischief. Since most, if not all, of my hatred was directed towards my teacher Mrs. Erickson and school in general, I would unleash the toilet paper furry on the school itself. And for all of you keeping score at home, yes, this would mean I would be covering the school in their own toilet paper! Pure evil genius, right? Well, I thought so.

After making this realization I rushed back to class to tell my two friends, Casey and Tyler, about my plan. Instead of lauding me with endless praise, they questioned the legitimacy of my plan on every level. They found it immoral to be stealing from the school and assured me that I would go straight to jail if I was caught. In short, they thought it was the dumbest idea of all time.

I couldn’t stand to hear my idea get shot down so I scurried off to the corner of the room so I could rethink my plan. It was then that I realized that maybe I wasn’t like most other kids. I mean, here I was, thinking of plans to vandalize the school where most everyone else was wondering if they were going to play tetherball of four square during recess.

 In the end, I concluded that I was highly advanced in comparison to my classmates. Or maybe I was just one crazy little kid. Probably a little of both.

11:08am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZN46Py3QH1YX
(Notes: 1)
  
February 5, 2011
So, what are you doing after graduation?

You know what I love? When people ask me questions that I don’t have the answer to. This all started back in elementary school when a teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had no idea because I adopt the same philosophy then that I do now. The philosophy being just plan out the rest of the day because that’s all you can handle right about now.

Ever since then the questions have kept on coming and now I’m faced with, “What are you doing after graduation?” After much thought and deliberation I decided to make a list of answers to give to people. I did the same for when I went to my cousins wedding and people asked me when I was going to get married and it worked out great, except for those instances in which people left with the impression that I was gay. Anyhow, if you ask me in the near future what I plan to do after graduation, these are a few examples of what you might hear.

1)      I am planning on moving back to New Jersey where I can somehow infiltrate myself into the mafia. I can start out delivering pizza and then with my dedication and hard work I will sneak my way into a dangerous crime family. I would simultaneously start working for the FBI under the pretense that I am an insider to this crime family. Instead of ratting out said crime family on a regular basis, I would occasionally leak information to both sides just to keep things interesting. So while both parties would think that they are benefiting from my insider information, neither are really making any progress. I’m sure at one point the mafia or the FBI will find out and I will either be dead or in prison. Maybe that’s not the best option…

2)       I think I’m going to take some cello lessons because I have always felt that I would have been a master cellist. I have no real logical reasoning behind my feeling this way but I am 97% convinced that if my parents put a cello in my hands at age 3 that I would have been a child prodigy. It’s sad to think that I could have been playing concerts with Yo Yo Ma and OneRepublic. As a direct result of this regret I am going to start taking cello lessons now after I graduate. Could I still be a prodigy? Is it less spectacular for an adult to pick up an instrument and play perfectly? Maybe I will start a new generation of adult prodigies.

3)      I’ve actually been working on this new product that not only protects your house from burglars but it gives a line of defense against those pesky pets and rodents. As genius as this might sound, it’s just a ploy to help save young men from wasting their summers selling security systems and pest control. The super product will undoubtedly create a monopoly on the summer sales market and force all of the other companies, such as APX and Pinnacle, to go out of business.

4)      Is there a place in the world where you can still make a living being a shepherd? For some reason I have this idea that herding sheep in New Zealand would be phenomenal. If this is a possibility, someone please let me know.

5)      I’m going to start a new line of work called self esteem restoration. I would go around and visit people that have lost their self esteem and I would lift their spirits but showing them how horrible I am at singing. They pay, I sing, they laugh and feel a whole lot better about life.

11:53pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZN46Py2x8zDp
November 9, 2010

Hi, my name is Jake. I’m 23 years old and I’ve been addicted to gambling ever since I can remember. It’s been a long and arduous struggle for me and it has no signs of letting up. I want to say that I will overcome this addiction with time but I’m not so sure that will ever happen. I say this because my gambling addiction is a very rare form. It has nothing to do with poker chips and playing cards but has everything to do with how I live my life. 

No, I do not risk my life by drinking absurd amounts of alcohol or driving on the highway at excessive speeds (my mom might think otherwise) but when it comes to just about everything else, I take chances.  I could almost say that it’s physically impossible for me to fold, even if the odds are against me. 

I could give you a million examples that pertain to sports such as always going for it on 4th down, or taking shots that Ray Allen can’t even make but then again the sporting events that I participate in have very little consequence. Maybe it would be better to say that I follow the example of one Loyd Christmas as seen above.

If I were a seriously gambler, as in real money and such, I would be in big trouble. Just ask any of my friends. They know that whenever we get together to play a meaningless game of blackjack, I am always the first one out. I’m  They will tell you that it all comes down to the fact that I take too many risks. Now we could chalk this up to the fact that we aren’t playing for money but when it comes right down to it I hate knowing that I could have tried. 

Call me stupid but I don’t care if I miss a shot or get rejected and look ridiculous in the process. At least I tried. At least I had the gumption to take the risk and put it on the line.

So don’t think that by telling me I don’t have a chance will stop me from trying. Even if the odds are one in a million. After all, I’m addicted to gambling.

1:09am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZN46Py1Qp_hG
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