Dear BYU,

Congratulations on stepping up your game. Not only did you discover my phony mailing address but you somehow found out where I actually live. You didn’t stop there though. Instead of sending your documents in the traditional BYU letterhead (because you probably know everything I get from BYU, I throw away…except for miniature diplomas), you outdid yourself by using some other school from Georgia’s envelopes. Impressive, really. 

But for the last time, you won’t be getting a dime unless you change the name of the Taco Bell on campus to the “Jake Welch Memorial Taco Bell - May Every Friday Be A Fiesta.”

Better luck next time,

Jake

PS - Use the Postal Service again to try and get me to donate money and I will run around your campus in the buff…again. Our dear mailmen and women have a thankless job and making them deliver such rubbish is pouring salt in the wound. Have some respect.