I have always wondered what it would be like to be homeless. I wondered what led people to such a situation and how I would perform if I had nothing. Well my friends, now I know. The following story is rather extensive and 100% true. Enjoy.

It all started Wednesday morning when I made the mistake of leaving my keys at work. I’m not sure why, but whenever I get to work in the morning I take my keys out of my pocket and put them on my desk. Why did I do this? Well logic says that I’m lighter on my feet without them so I can make it to the copy room in record time. I’m serious business when it comes to printing. 

Anyhow, I discovered this fact as I arrived at my apartment around 6:00pm. I eventually got into my apartment a little later thanks to my roommate but the fact of the matter remained that I didn’t have my keys. 

Fast forward a few hours to about 10:00pm. Because the city was blazing hot that afternoon, I made the conscious decision to going running a little later. (Don’t worry Mother, I went jogging in a nice well-lit area.) I planned on going for a half hour run and assumed one of my three roommates would be home by then and if not I could visit some of my neighbors. That being the case, bringing my phone or wallet wouldn’t be necessary. 

While on my jog, I decided to go visit one of my friends that lived nearby. It was about 10:45 and I wouldn’t be there for a long time. Turns out I am only capable of having two and a half hour conversations with my friends, aka I talk way too much. So at about 1:15am I made my way home to enjoy a good night’s rest. 

I got to my front doorstep around 1:30am and hoped that my roommates would be awake to let me in. I hit the buzzer a few times and nothing happened. I waited a little bit then tried again. And again. I made the discovery that the guys I live with are heavy sleepers. I sat there for a good 20 minutes trying to get into my place but nothing worked.

I knew a few folks in the area and thought I could get lucky and someone would be burning the midnight oil. Turns out people actually sleep in the city that never sleeps. I actually talked to my friends later and they said that they heard me buzzing but they thought it was a drunk that thought their doorbell was the vending machine button (I guess that really happens).

At exactly 2:37am I called it quits and came to terms that I was homeless for the evening. If you are thinking that there was another way out of this I assure you there was nothing. All I had on me was a iPod and the clothes on my back. I didn’t have a key, phone or wallet.

I had a few options at this point. One was to try and go down to my place of work and obtain my keys. This would require A) me to walk about 63 blocks to Midtown and B) gain access to my building. The distance didn’t scare me but getting the security guard to let me into the building would be tough. I didn’t have my ID or anything to prove my employment. For about 44 seconds I had a perfectly mapped out plan that was about as elaborate as the heist in Oceans 11. I came to realize that I would rather be homeless than spend the night in jail. 

Let me just say that the streets of New York are about what you expect at the early hours of the morning. The streets are sparse but still you will see your occasional crack head, workaholic or gypsy. As the only one representing Caucasian middle class, I’m guessing I stuck out like an Indian kid in Southeastern Idaho.

Another one of my options was to set up shop somewhere and just camp out for the night. I’ve seen plenty of folks do it before and I figured that I could tough it out. I start looking for a nice bench or newspaper stand to sit against when the blessed lights of CVS shown upon me. When I lifted my head to see a sign that said that they were open 24/7, I knew I found my sanctuary. 

You never really think of a pharmacy as a fascinating place until you are there for more than three hours. I spent my first 45 minutes scanning the beauty isle, which I blame on the day job. When you work at a beauty company you become weirdly observant of the products. I started smelling shampoos and body washes but that ended quickly after I realized that such behavior at that time of night was indicative of drug addiction.

After studying up on denture creams and reading half of the greeting cards, I discovered a small magazine rack near the checkout stand. There were no copies of Sports Illustrated or ESPN The Magazine so I settled for People magazine that had an article about Bachelor contestant Jake Pavelka and his classy ex-flame Vienna. Turns out their relationship was about as stable as my sleeping arrangements for the evening.

It was after I finished Us Magazine and made my way for Style that Manuel, the store manager, got suspicious. I don’t blame him. A normal human being averages roughly 5.8 minutes per store visit at CVS and here I was pushing two hours. I told him my predicament and he suggested that I go back to the pharmacy window and take a nap on the chairs next to the blood pressure machine. I did as the man instructed and crashed on a CVS pharmacy chair for a good two hours.

Normally, waking up in a new surrounding is an adventure. You have to remind yourself where you are and how you got there before you go bananas. So when I woke up to a woman refilling her prescription of oxycoton I was a little shaken. I knew then it was time for me to leave. It was 5:50am and soon enough my roommates would be awake.

I’m not really sure how I spend the next hour and a half but I know it involved a Starbucks bathroom, St. John’s Cathedral and the cheese isle of a grocery store. After that blur I went back to my apartment where my roommates had awaken from their deep slumbers and let me back in.

At the end of the day (and night) I learned a few things

1) Never go anywhere without your keys

2) Always have at least one roommate who is a light sleeper

3) People magazine is rather informative

4) CVS > Walgreens, Rite Aid and Duane Reade

So please dear friends. Take note. Learn from my mistakes and hopefully you will never have to have a homeless night.